5.

you know how I've been talking 'i'ma stop caring for people'
while today, all of a sudden I feel like I forgave everyone who's ever hurt me. Like I started to believe in people again. And it feels amazing!
All the tears and pain faded away, just like that..
I hope it's not just something temporary, I really pray, pray so hard, that it is for good..

It's been cumulating for the past days, it's like the puzzle pieces finally start resembling the image I've been trying to build. They may be few missing, but I know I will find them and arrange in the right way, in my own time.

It feels great!
I can't even express it.. Too many things are running trough my head! The positive is winning over the negative! So easily now..

The only thing I'm scared of, is that this feeling may run away sooner or later, but I don't want it to.. I will do my hardest not to let go, because why to choose pain over love and joy?

And I see now, how caring for people pays off, sometimes after a long time, but it does! And that is what matters. We just need to be patient and try. Give our best.Open our hearts.Because even when it comes later, we will feel how worth the wait was, and that will be the only thing that matters at the end.

And if there are people out there hating me right now, or even troughout the years, all I can say is I am sorry, I never meant to do anything wrong to you. I just pray that you will forgive me, and I asure you, you will feel much better :) just give it a try..

4.

I'm not thinking straight at the moment but I wana post a poem that was invented today for our teaching poetry class (it's a few-minutes-invention) by my friends and me, before I forget.

Family starts my day
with Friends along the way
Music on the play
Shopping makes me gay
while School starts at eight
Food adds up my weight
Money makes me safe
cute Boys are my fav.

yea.

it talks for itself.
the theme was suppose to be Happiness, can you tell? it might not have much sense, but what does today :]
Have a great week!
Stay Happy..

3.

Oh, my.. A new month is approaching!
And i's the month I've been waiting for such a long time. In some sense.
It just seems like yesterday, when I was looking into the future anticipaiting being 'legal' forreal.
It seemed so far away, now it's just couple of days to go.
Hmm, what do I really mean by legal?
As in most countries, being 18 is the turning point in one's life. Stepping into the adulthood etc. For many - being independent, having the rights to decide for one's self. blah, blah, blah.
So was I waiting and waiting for that day. But just because I wanted to throw a big party and throw away my fake ID that kept me getting into the clubs for couple of years :) just some kind of formality.
Never knew the pressure coming from the folks 'when you're 18 you can do whatever you want, but for now you must listen to us'. Right or Wrong? I don't know. I'm only sure, I was happy :)

So about turning 21 (ouch, I got mix feelings about that age), I still look at it as some kind of formality.
Again, I can slowly put aside my fake ID that allows me to enter clubs with entries 21+, and If I ever decide to go to the States in my nearest future, I'm allowed to drink. Which isn't an important fact at all.

But since I am obsesses with numbers, ages and so on (new thing about me, huh, stranger!) it's like reaching another goal in life. Those days, when being 12 was sooo grown up! after that 'sweet' 16, then 18, now 21.. I guess next on list is 25, followed by 30..
The problem is I wanted to accomplished some things by the certain ages. Some I did, some I did not.
And it keeps me worried, or actually unsatisfied to know I am still somewhat far from reaching my life goald according to my age.
I'm not going to 'expose' them here and now. Guess it's too personal, and I don't like to remember my 'failures' (for many of my close one's it's not a failure, it's something that's awaiting me in the future, just not quite yet now) But I refer to it as a failure, because those were the things I believed in for so long, something that went deep inside of me, and made me who I am.
And I was damn close to reaching one of the top life goals, when suddenly everything collapsed. Made another one, or two fade aways as well.
That's probably the reason, too, for my dark side of me nowadays :)
But I guess, I just have to live with it for now and be patient.
And moving them or delaying is like cheating yourself (myself).
Maybe there is a reason for why things are happening the way I didn't expect them too. Maybe I'm not ready?

Although, I feel I am. I really am.

2.

something that bothers me very much recently, besides million of other things of course, (yes, as I loove to complain) is my .. accent. I lost it. Or actually gained a new one that I am totally unhappy with.
And the English efficiency, it's almost as I am starting from the very beginning.

The story goes..
I grew up in an English-speaking house, but in Poland, where Polish became my mother-tongue.
My English was limited to the simple every day English - using it only with my Mom.
In my primary school, somewhere towards the end, it came as a subject. I was always the top student, with the highest grade and I was often excused from taking the final exams or other activities, as the teachers always assumed I will do great.

Middle school, I started off well, but.. many of my classmates got annoyed with me, since I always knew the answer etc, thus they  told me couple of times 'shut up, give others the chance..'
so since then I started to be quiet, stopped doing most of the assessments etc. I actually wanted to come down to the same level as my classmates. Grades went From A+/A to A-/B+. Then more and more average, where by the time I was in highschool I was just average or even facing problems. Embarrassing, BUT I guess I was really traumatized by my experience from middle school (those times were like the test of survival, seriously, middle school in Poland, either you be the bully, or the bullied one)

My English started improving again when I started being with an English-native speaker (or must I say American?)
within few months I've noticed a big change!
Then moving to UK helped me a lot as well.

So until that times, in Europe, people would always tell me I speak with the American accent, as for Americans - they would tell me I have this cute, European accent, or sometimes even British accent.

I always described my English as neutral, something in between. (I had those times when I was about 10 years old that I stared immitating British accent, as I had a British friend)
I started talking in Tagalog as well only about 2 years ago, which gave me the berry punny tanglish accent when speaking with Filipinos :)

Now, living in Malaysia, that's when the real horror started! Lol
At first, I've been told by some of my friends that I have a very good English, many people think that I'm a native speaker and so on. I even have friends who claimed that thanks to talking with me, their English improved!
It's nice to hear that of course!
But for me, where I am surrounded with mostly Chinese people and Malay (regardless to the actual race, it's 1 Malaysia anyway) my accent starts to sound like theirs!

I am not saying their accent is worse, bad etc. ON CONTRARY, I think it's very unique and it makes them special. But yes, THEM, not me.
I already had my own accent, that made me ME in some way.
I know, I adjust myself, into talking slower and in more simple way, just for my friends to understand me better, but I didn't realize (at the beginning) what a big influence it had on me.

Right now, whenever I speak out loud, It's like a torture to me. I hear myself and I can't believe what I'm hearing. My vocabulary? Very, very poor.. I just feel so.. limited! It's like NOT ME!

I know, it's a good thing to be flexible and easly adapt to new enviornments (It reminds me of spending my summers in the South part of Poland, where the accent difers a lil' bit from the Centre, I would always come back home talking like the Southeners), but with my vision of being here in Malaysia for another AT LEAST three years, I'm scared that it will stay somewhere deeply in me.

Help! I don't want that.. I don't want to go to America or anywhere else one day and have someone say " Oh! so you are half Filipina, raised in Poland, lived in UK but speak with a Chinese/Malay accent? funny.."

AGAIN!

IT'S NOTHING BAD!

IT'S JUST NOT ME!



and another thing, I SUCK at immitatin other accents!! (except for Russian, a bit ;])
I can't just suddenly start talking in any accent.

It's only that (un)natural accent that comes out itself.
FRUSTRATING

kay, gotta focus as I am in my psychology class, and I am trying hard not to focus on people's accents and mistakes (I do a loooot of mistakes as well, but like since few months, even my friend started doubting in me.. she is so surprised when she hears errors in my English now) but on the content!

bye for now!

1.

Time flies so quickly. I hardly realized it's a new month and.. I haven't posted anything in a while.
 I've been busy figuring out what factors makes me unhappy and which puts back the smile on my face.
Still in progress though, but all is good :)
Just need to keep distance to the things not worth my attention. And not let others affect my mood ( well, at least not in a major major way, lol )

oh! and cannot not mention my Angel that takes away all the sorrows - my biggest Sunshine Franceska! She lights up every darkness  in my life. Can't believe how grown up she is now.
Only God knows what a big impact she has on my life. For over a year now, I know if she wasn't there in my life, I would have been someone else today, someone I'm scared to think o.
When my life turned upside down in the way I've never expected it would, she was there, to wipe my tears away and kept me motivated till I could stend up on my own feet again! That's why in the times when I feel I 'can't' I need her the most. But just living in memories, looking forward to when I see her and occasional skype calls or videos on facebook - picks me back up!

Have you got your Angel? If you do, Take care of it! Remember how blessed you are and how God loves you for sending you one! or maybe more :)




I've noticed that one of my favorite songs lately hit me with its lyrics, as in - deeper.
Because not only all the broken hearts out there would enjoy singing their lungs off for their love one's but, like me, I found my self refering it to our Great Father.
move on - lyrics
I'm pretty sure that some people would see or feel the same way about this song as I do.
It's just beautiful. I do need to learn how to put Him first.
move on - youtube
just enjoy and praise the Lord!